White Flag
by Hugsiez
Summary: Luka's thoughts as he says good-bye to Abby on Foreign Affairs. Luby Please R&R!


**A.N**- I heard this song on the radio a while back, and I really thought that it fit with Luby, so...! And then I saw the little part where they say good-bye in Foreign Affairs, I think, and it fit. ^_^;; Anyway, the song is **White Flag** by Dido, and I hope you like it. Please R&R. ;)  
  
**All usual disclaimers apply.** :/ I don't owe anything anyway.  
  
  
_I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
I'll tell you that   
But if I didn't say it  
Well, I'd still have felt it   
Where's the sense in that? _  
  
I'm leaving. I'm leaving for the Congo and here I am, holding the woman that I love in my arms and I can't tell her so. I've known that I love her for a year, maybe even longer than that, but the words that I need in order to let her know seem to get stuck inside of me. They choke me, as if they are literally stuck in my throat, but I don't force them out. I don't have any right to do so.  
  
She belongs to another man. . .  
  
_I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder   
Or return to where we were _  
  
The thought that this might be the last time that I'll be hugging her suddenly flashes through my mind, and those three simple words become the most difficult ones that I've ever have to say. I need to tell her; maybe I will never get another chance. She has a right to know that I love her, right? That I always did, but I just. . .couldn't bring myself to do so. I had her, and I lost her already, though. My time was here, but I let it go. I let it go how I let her go.  
  
'I love you, Abby,' comes through my mind, yet I can't say it.  
  
I can't say it. . .  
  
_I know I left too much mess   
And destruction to come back again _  
  
It's moments like these that my memory fails me and I can't remember why she's not with me. We both hurt each other when we had promised ourselves that we would do all we could to make our relationship work. We blew it, both of us. Those words that we yelled at each other that night were horrible, and just remembering them makes me hate myself even more. Why did I say them? Why did I tell her that she's not pretty enough when she's beautiful? Why did I tell her that she wasn't that special when she means a lot to me, more than I let myself admit? Why did I tell her that Carter could have her when I wanted her for myself? Why? It was wrong to say all that.  
  
Maybe it'd be wrong to tell her now that I love her.  
  
_And I caused but nothing but trouble   
I understand if you can't talk to me again _  
  
Hugging her slightly tighter, a small sigh is the only thing that I can 'say.' Her eyes don't lie, and I know that she's not happy. I have seen that look in her eyes already and I know that she's not as happy as she says that she is. Something must have happened at the funeral of Carter's grandmother, but whatever it was it had her hurting right now. I open my mouth to say something, perhaps I already gathered enough courage to say what I want to say, but soon I'm proved wrong. Nothing comes out; nothing at all. In what seems like forever, I try to talk again, but I stop when I feel her pull back from the hug.  
  
I missed my chance. . .  
  
_And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'   
Then I'm sure that that makes sense _  
  
"Take care of yourself. I mean it."  
  
Forcing out a small smile, I can merely nod. "Yeah." I look into her eyes again, and the same pain is obvious. I want to caress her cheek. I want to brush her hair back gently and kiss her. I want to feel her lips against mine again; I want to hold her again. But I know that we can't. That, once again, I let go of my chance. Instead, I find my voice again and, with a small smile, I turn to her. "Hold down the fort." That's all I can say, even if I want to tell her to take care of herself. To not get discouraged by what's going on; that everything's going to be ok. I say 'Hold down the fort' as if that expresses everything I feel for her. As if that is now my new version of 'I love you, Abby, and I'll miss you.'  
  
And, I don't know, I guess I expected her to understand that that's what I had meant. That I was telling her how much she meant to me and that I would miss her. But when I see her nodding and smiling slightly, I feel my hopes crashing down on me. I shouldn't be so foolish.  
  
I shouldn't have been so foolish.  
  
_And when we meet   
As I'm sure we will   
All that was then   
Will be there still   
I'll let it pass   
_  
Walking out of the lounge, I refuse to look back and see if she's still there of she walked out; I just keep walking silently through the ER's doors and get out of the commotion that is common there, I just walk out to the darkness of the night. Now I just need to go to my apartment and pack to leave tomorrow.  
  
_And hold my tongue   
And you will think   
That I've moved on_  
  
Turning around for one last time, my eyes catch a glimpse of where Abby and I first kissed. Where she kissed me, rather, and a small smile appears on my lips. That feels as if it was forever and a day ago, but at the very same time it felt as if it had just been yesterday when we had sat there and talked so easily. Nothing had been awkward then; nothing had been ruined.   
  
Turning back towards where the lounge window is as I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket, I imagine her still in there. I imagine her looking out that very same window and looking out at me, but I know that she's not. I know that she's gone to find where Carter went to now.  
  
Finally, as easily as it sounded in my head, I hear myself whisper, "I love you, Abby." I swallow the knot in my throat and force out a smile. "I'll miss you." Looking at the entrance of the ER one more time, I stare at them for merely two seconds before turning around and walking towards the El. I don't expect Abby to come running out and say that she loves me too, but at least I feel slightly better.  
  
I finally said what I wanted to say, even if she didn't hear me.  
  
_Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender   
There will be no white flag above my door   
I'm in love and always will be_  
  
  



End file.
